fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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