you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
