youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You are a genius and a whore.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
