I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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