im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
