Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
