I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
