dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
