genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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