What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
