you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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