Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
