Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
