y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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