Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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