Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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