It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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