It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
