ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
