Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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