you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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