i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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