I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
