I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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