Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
