her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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