How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
