Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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