it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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