So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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