So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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