It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
