so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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