i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
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Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.