HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
