Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
