I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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