I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
