I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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