It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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