He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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