drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Text me some of your sweat
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
