Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
