I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
