"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Even my vagina gasped.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
