I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
