BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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