Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
