I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
