You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
