now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
