I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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