Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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