How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.