Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.