Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
