my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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