the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
