So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
